Invitation Etiquette

As any bride knows, the wedding invitation process can leave you frazzled and exhausted. Here’s a wedding invitation etiquette guide to help you take control.  Selecting, wording, addressing, sending, and replying to wedding invitations and Save the Date Magnets can be a daunting task, but eventually you’ll have to ignore the headache and confront the issues.  The concerns and confusion may seem overwhelming, but we’re here for you. Scan these etiquette tips for solutions to your most pressing wedding invite-related problems.

Just Beginning

• How far in advance should you send wedding invitations? What is the proper date to ask for the reply card?  Ideally, invitations should go out six to eight weeks before the wedding — that gives guests plenty of time to clear their schedules for the day and make travel arrangements if they are out-of-towners.  It also lets you make the RSVP date a little earlier — say three weeks before the wedding date — so you can get a final head count and start making a seating chart (if you’ll have one) before the final-week-before-the-wedding crunch begins.  At the very latest, guests should receive wedding invitations six weeks in advance, and you should get responses back two weeks before the big day.
• Announcements versus invitations. The groom grew up in a very small town 2,000 miles away from the wedding city. We’re afraid that feelings will be hurt if we don’t invite everyone from his hometown, but we know the trip will be impossible for 95 percent of them. Help!  Even if you’re pretty sure certain guests won’t be able to attend the wedding, it’s a nice gesture to invite them — who knows, they might decide to attend.  And if not, they’ll feel good knowing that they were invited.  Announcements should be used to let friends, family, and possibly professional colleagues who were not invited to the wedding for whatever reason — budget constraints, etc. — know that the wedding took place.  Invitations are sent to those people whom the families want at the wedding.  Let the recipients decide on their own whether they can attend or not.  If you’re right and most of them can’t come, you might consider having a second reception or party in the groom’s hometown after the couple returns from their honeymoon.
• Proper Wedding Invitation Wording  Confused about how to word your wedding invitations?  Use this tool to get all the write stuff, for your particular family situation.

Bride’s Parents Hosting:

Mr. and Mrs. John L. Smith
request the pleasure of your company
at the marriage of their daughter
Heather Marie
to
Michael Francis Jacobson
Saturday, the seventeenth of May
two thousand and eight
at half past four in the afternoon.

Note:

• Since you are including the bride’s parent’s name on the invitation, you do not need to list the bride’s last name.
• Do write the groom’s entire name (first, middle and last) on the following line.
• “request the honor of your presence” is traditionally only used if the ceremony is taking place in a house of worship.

Both Sets of Parents Hosting:

Mr. and Mrs. John L. Smith &
Mr. and Mrs. Mark Franklin Jacobson
request the honor of your presence
at the marriage of their children
Heather Marie
to
Michael Francis
Saturday, the seventeenth of May
two thousand and eight
at half past four in the afternoon

Note:

• Be sure to list the bride’s parents and groom’s parents on separate lines, starting with the bride’s.
• Because both last names are included in the greeting, you do not need to use either the bride or groom’s last name.

Couple is Hosting:

The pleasure of your company
is requested at the marriage of
Heather Marie Smith
to Michael Francis Jacobson
Saturday, the seventeenth of May
two thousand and eight
at half past four in the afternoon

Note:

• If the couple is paying for the wedding themselves, the greeting skips the host line and begins with the request line.

Everyone Hosting:

Ms. Heather Marie Smith
and
Mr. Michael Francis Jacobson
together with their parents
Mr. and Mrs. John L. Smith &
Mr. and Mrs. Mark Franklin Jacobson
request the pleasure of your company
at their wedding
Saturday, the seventeenth of May
two thousand and eight
at half past four in the afternoon.

Note:

• If everyone is paying for the wedding, the invitation begins with the bride’s name, followed by the groom’s name, and finally the parent’s, starting with the bride’s side.

Divorced Parent Hosting Alone:

Mr. Charles C. Miller
requests the pleasure of your company
at the marriage of his daughter
Heather Marie
to Michael Francis Jacobson
Saturday, the seventeenth of May
two thousand and eight
at half past four in the afternoon

Note:

• Since you’re listing the parent’s name above, there’s no need to list the bride’s last name unless it’s different than the last name of the parent who’s hosting.

Divorced Parent Hosting with New Spouse:

Mr. and Mrs. Charles C. Miller
request the pleasure of your company
at the marriage of his daughter
Karen Percy Miller
daughter of Ms. Rachel M. Wood
to Michael Francis Jacobson
Saturday, the seventeenth of May
two thousand and eight
at half past four in the afternoon

Note:

• Please note, if the bride would like all parents listed on the invitation, you may list the non-hosting parents (as well as their relationship to the bride and/or groom) below the request line.
• It is not customary to list the bride’s last name; but in instances where more than one parent is hosting and the last name is not obvious, it is best to list to avoid confusion.

Divorced Parents Hosting Jointly:

Mr. and Mrs. Charles C. Miller &
Ms. Rachel M. Wood
request the pleasure of your company
at the marriage of their daughter
Karen Percy Miller
to Michael Francis Jacobson
Saturday, the seventeenth of May
two thousand and eight
at half past four in the afternoon

Note:

• A good rule of thumb is to list whomever is paying for the majority of the wedding, first.

Widowed Remarried Parent Hosting:

Mr. and Mrs. Travis Young
request the pleasure of your company
at the marriage of her daughter
Susan J. Greene
daughter of the late Mr. Jeffrey Greene
to Michael Francis Jacobson

Note:

• Although you do not have to list the deceased parent’s name, it’s an option if you wish to honor them on the invitation.

 

• We are having a Saturday afternoon reception that includes a cocktail hour and a full dinner. How do I let guests know that it’s not just an afternoon informal brunch? I would like it to be formal attire but not black tie.  One of the best ways to let guests in on the fact that the wedding is formal is with the invitations.  Get ultra-formal, traditional ones — on white, ivory, or ecru paper, with the wording done in black script, maybe even with a gold or silver border — and that should do the trick.  Give your guests the benefit of the doubt, too — if they receive a formal invite from you and read where your wedding is being held, you can probably trust them to dress appropriately.
• We are getting married at a local hotel located on the beach. The ceremony will be held outside, with the reception following in a banquet room inside.  Should there be a separate reception card with the same location.
  All you have to do is add a single line to the bottom of your ceremony invitation: “Reception to follow.” It’s invitation parlance for “The reception is in the same place.” Just make sure your ushers know where to direct guests after the ceremony, so they’re all taking the most convenient route to the reception area.

Addressing the Invite

• Do couples who live together but aren’t married receive a single invitation or separate invitations?  Unmarried couples who live together receive a single invitation because they are a couple.  Address it the same way you’d address the invitation of a married couple with different last names — alphabetically, on separate lines on the outer envelope:

Ms. Janine Myers
Mr. Richard Stevenson

The inner envelope would read:

Ms. Myers and Mr. Stevenson
or
Janine & Richard

• How should you address an invitation to a widow?  What about a divorced woman who has retained her married name?  And what about those who are bringing significant others who do not live with them?  Can I send just one invitation or do I have to send one to each of them?  A widow is traditionally addressed as “Mrs. John Jones,” but if you feel the guest may not want to be addressed that way, it’s totally okay to ask her how she prefers to be addressed.  A divorced woman who has kept her married name should be addressed as – “Ms. Jane Johnson.” As far as a couple who does not live together, technically you should send each their own invitation, but it’s not horrible to simply send the invite to one of them — say, the person you’re closer to — with both names listed alphabetically (each on its own line) on the outer envelope.
• How do I address an invitation envelope to a same sex couple? There are a couple of options, depending on how formally you want to address the envelopes.  Because you won’t be saying “Mr. and Mrs.”, for a formal invite you’ll probably want to address it this way: “Ms. Joan McDermott Ms. Theresa McDermott.” This way, you’re not saying “Ms. and Ms.”, which would sound awkward. Joan comes before Theresa alphabetically. Another option, if you don’t want to use titles or put the two on separate lines, since they are, in effect, married: “Joan and Theresa McDermott.” No matter which way you address the outer envelope, the inner envelope should read: “The McDermotts.”
• We’re having a small wedding. Do we have to invite Mr. Smith “and Guest”? One friend told me that if a guest is not seriously dating someone, I can just address the invite to Mr. Smith, and he’ll know he’s not supposed to invite someone. Is that true? What do I do if such guests reply for two anyway?  Most guests will understand that without “and Guest” or another name on the invitation, it’s meant for them alone. Especially if you are having a small wedding, you probably aren’t going to invite everyone to bring an escort, unless it’s a fiance(e) and/or a serious significant other.  Technically, you’re never supposed to write “and Guest”; instead, you should find out the name of the significant other.  What to do if some clueless souls reply for two?  Call them up and explain that you’re having an intimate wedding and, unfortunately, you were not able to invite everyone with a guest.  They should understand that.
• Is it improper to have the outside envelope addresses printed in a fancy font on the printer, or should they be handwritten?  Some will say a font that looks amazingly like cursive writing is acceptable, but we don’t necessarily agree. Etiquette does say that you should never print addresses with a computer, but always handwrite them. Remember, a wedding is an extremely intimate and personal event, and your invitations should reflect that.  If it’s a matter of time — or you’ve got 500 invitations to address — enlist the help of your mom, your sisters, your bridesmaids, and anyone else who’s got nice handwriting to plow through them.  It’s just one of those polite, personal, I’m-a-great-hostess touches that isn’t totally obvious — unless such touches are absent, in which case they’re glaringly obvious.
• Do you put a return address on the wedding invitations?  You don’t necessarily have to have one printed on your outer envelopes (that would probably up your invitation costs), but it’s a good idea to handwrite a return address on the back flap.  Just in case you get a guest’s address wrong, the post office will know where to return the invitation.  The return address should be that of the person whom you’ve designated to receive response cards — be it the bride’s mother, the groom’s mother, or the couple themselves.  The response card envelope or postcard should be printed with this address.

Responding To an Invite

• What do RSVP and “Regrets Only” mean? Also, do you have to respond if not attending?  RSVP is short for the French phrase, “Repondez, s’il vous plait,” which means, simply, “Please respond.” That means you should respond either way, whether you’re able to make it or not. If the couple has included a response card or postcard with the invitation, it’s easy — just send the card back saying you will or will not attend. (If there’s no response card included, you should send a note letting the couple know whether you’ll be there.) If you don’t respond, the couple will be forced to call you to verify your attendance.  Don’t give them more to do — just send your card back.  “Regrets” or “Regrets Only” means that only guests who can’t make it need to respond.  This way, the couple assumes that if you don’t respond, you are coming.
• What are the etiquette rules on response cards?  The first thing you should do after receiving a wedding invitation is respond promptly — everything, from seating arrangements to placing the liquor order, is riding on your response. If an RSVP card is enclosed, feel free to add a more personal note of congratulations or explanation of regret.  If a blank reply card is enclosed, you must write a response on the card in language that mirrors that of the invitation. 

Sticky Situations

• My parents’ friend called to say that her daughters and their husbands have not received invitations to the wedding.  They didn’t receive invitations because we didn’t invite them.  Should we?  We invited them both to the engagement party and the shower.  Are we obligated to invite them to the wedding even if we aren’t close to either daughter?  If they were present at your shower, you really should invite them.  Shower guests should always be only people you’re planning on inviting to the wedding.  Here’s why: The shower is, by definition, a gift-giving party — an opportunity for your closest friends and relatives to help outfit you for your new home and life.  If you invite someone to the shower but not to the wedding, they may feel as though they were only invited to the shower (and engagement party, for that matter) because you wanted gifts from them. These are your parents’ friends’ family, so these guests probably should have been on your parents’ section of the guest list.  This decision is now up to you — if you don’t invite them, you (or more likely, your parents) may face conflict with them.
• Although my brother is marrying out of my family’s faith, my parents (and family) have tried to be very supportive. My grandmother has just received the invitation and it says, “Bride’s parents invite you to the wedding of bride and groom,” with no mention of my parents. My parents are very hurt. The only thing we can think of is that in the bride’s faith (she’s Christian) it isn’t customary to list the groom’s parents’ names on the invitation. Thoughts?  A “traditional” Christian wedding invitation does not include the groom’s parents’ names.  This harks back to the concept of the bride’s parents “giving her away.”  These days that’s no longer the case, and many couples include all of their parents’ names on the invites, but it sounds like your brother’s fiance’s family went the traditional route and were not aware that it would offend your parents.  Since not much can be done now, hopefully your parents will see that it was probably an oversight due to your families’ different backgrounds, and not more than that.  Encourage your brother and his fiance to make a special toast to honor your parents as well.

The Dreaded Thank You Note

Think wedding stress ends with “I do”? No such luck. The idea of returning from your honeymoon and, like kids on Christmas, ripping through all your wedding gifts sounds grand.  But beware: your post-present high might be killed when you realize that you have one final chore: thank-you notes.  The task of writing a personal note to 180 guests is definitely daunting, but it’s not impossible.  Keep in mind that the thank-you note project begins way back when you gather your guests’ names and addresses to send the invitations. Do yourself a big favor: Save that list!  Make a copy of it at invitation time and put it away. Before you start opening gift boxes, find that list and record each gift next to the giver’s name and address.   Here is a list of tips to help simplify the task and make it a little less daunting:

• Set up a designated writing area at home. Make sure it’s a comfortable place, not too far from the kitchen or bathroom, with a TV or radio nearby.
• Buy yourself some great stationery. After the wedding, act like a married person and get the good stuff. Go for the heavy-duty notecards in ecru. Even better: Have them monogrammed with your new initials. That’s right, flaunt your married status.
• Equip yourself with pens that you like to write with. Stay away from the cheap supermarket variety that make big ink blobs when they’re overused. Go for a more grown-up writing instrument .
• Try to start writing thank-yous as soon as gifts start arriving. This may mean before the wedding, so be prepared. 
• Don’t attempt to get them all done in one sitting; trust us — it simply won’t happen.  
• The rule is that you’re supposed to get thank-yous out for gifts received before the wedding within two weeks after they arrive; after the wedding, within a month after you return from the honeymoon. Well, it’s a nice thing to aspire to, but I say if you get ‘em all done before (okay, around) your one-month anniversary, you’ll be happy and so will your guests.
• Traditionally, wedding thank-you notes are written in blue or black ink on folded ivory or white notepaper. If you choose, you can have your married name or monogram embossed on the note (but you shouldn’t use notes with your married name on them until after the wedding; if you monogram, get some notes with your maiden name or initials and some with your married name or initials).
• Be sure to write a few words about the gift so you don’t get confused. You’ll never remember which of the 10 crystal vases your Aunt Alma gave you, so be specific: “Waterford Balmoral vase.”
• If the gift was money, mention how you plan to use it: “Thank you for the generous check. We are using it as part of the down payment on a house.”
• Put a big check mark next to the guest’s name when the thank-you note has been signed, sealed, and delivered — this is the part you’ll enjoy most.

Expert Examples: Take Note

• Sample thank-you note for a cash gift:
  Dear Aunt Sue and Uncle Tom,
  Thank you so much for your generous gift. Lila and I are saving for a new home and thanks to you, we’ll be shopping for our dream house very soon.  Again, many thanks for thinking of us and for sharing our special day. Love, Derek and Lila
• Sample thank-you note for a gift chosen from your bridal registry:
  Dear Elizabeth and Albert,
  Thank you so much for the crystal wine goblets.  We now have a complete set!  Derek and I are looking forward to your next visit, when we can enjoy a drink together.  Thank you again for thinking of us at this special time in our lives. Warmest regards, Lila and Derek
• Sample thank-you note for a gift you really didn’t like:
  Dear Winona and Leif,
  Thank you for the fluorescent lava lamps.  You are both so thoughtful!  Every time we look at them, we will think of you and this special time in our lives.  Again, many thanks for sharing our joy. Fondly, Lila and Derek

Source: theknot.com